Dedication

So here I am trying to keep my pledge to blog once a week. I usually am extremely anti-computer on the weekend....Today it is snowing, and I am probably going to be stranded in my house... I need to bake some Christmas cookies but I have to wait until my mother is done doing her Christmas baking.

This year I am not in the Holiday Spirit yet. I've done most of my Christmas shopping, I was on a mission today before the snow started falling HARD....I am hoping once I start to bake, maybe partake in a glass of wine and some Christmas tunage I will then be in the Spirit of Christmas FULL BLAST..... It's not that I am depressed or anything of the sort. It just simply doesn't FEEL like Christmas...

I keep getting interrupted by my family and that is one of the things I HAAAATe about being home when everyone else is.... otherwise I feel like I could be quite the homebody. Part of me was actually EXCITED that today was a snow day and Id be locked inside to putz around my house....

I recently purchased Jack Johnson's "En Concert" Special Edition Album and DVD Film..... I am OBSESSED!!! If you are a big JJ fan, I recommend you buy this. The songs on the album are amazing and the DVD is BEAUTIFUL! I always said I would love to MARRY Jack Johnson, and this has only CONFIRMED these feelings. He is just so "obtainable" and "real" - I feel like he is so chill and easy to hang out with. I would love to either be in his band, or just travel with them. They seem like such a fun, interesting, passionate bunch. Maybe I should see if they are hiring any roadies or anything hahaha... This is my mind.

I got my hair did yesterday. I always want to ask the people that work there if they have ever found a tick or anything "strange" in someone's hair / scalp. I never do though. This is again my mind. I also have often thoughts / feelings that I am going to dye young, or I am going to be unable to bear children, or thoughts of what if I just stepped on the gas and crashed my car into or off of whatever is in front of me....I also recently have a lot of thoughts about having a seizure, I don't know why, but I just think, "what if that happened right now"- Maybe it's a fear in me.......

Once a Week

I am going to attempt to blog once a week.

I have a new way of accomplishing things. I have a little notebook on me at ALL times that I write anything down that I need/want to do in and it is been very effective soo far.

Being more accomplished in life makes me a happier person. It rids me of some anxiety and stress and so far I have been overall a much happier person, less irritable, and more Free and OF COURSE MORE ACCOMPLISHED, as well as motivated in both my work and my personal life.

Yesterday, I finally went indoor rock climbing for the first time in my life. This has been something I've wanted to do forever and I finally did it. I think this is something I could REALLY get into. Over the summer and into the Fall some friends and I did some crazy off trail hiking at one of our local parks and I really discovered a passion for it. I LOVE how it can be a mental AND physical workout. You strategize and have to plan your every move and be very aware of your body and it's such a rush when you've "reached the top". I really enjoy physical activity and being outside, it's really a shame that I sit a desk in front of a computer all day.

Matt, my fiance really enjoyed rock climbing as well, and I've already began to daydream about us becoming real rock climbers and participating in trips to the Andirondacks and different mountains all over the world. Sometimes I just crave the life of a wanderer.... but I guess that can be a lonely life. I am 26 and I really think I STILL don't really know what I want from life. I can't say I am unhappy with my life so far. I would consider myself somewhat average. I feel I have accomplished more than a lot of people my age ... I've definately am happy with a lot of the experiences I've had and places I have seen. There just never seems to be enough hours in the day to do everything I would like to do. I've always wanted to start my own business, but I guess EVERYONE has dreams of that. It's just about making it happen, having that ambition to take hold of the reigns and just GO FOR IT! Sometimes I am too much of a slacker for that though and other times I have that REAL Go-getter attitude. Maybe someday I will get some real ambition and motivation and do something incredible!........and then again maybe I wont. Who knows?

Maybe I am too much of a scatter brain to know what I want and go for it. I feel like I am interested in so many things and want to experience such a variety of things, but sometimes that can be overwhelming and I just end up sitting around thinking about all the things I want to do but never get around to doing them......I think that is part of the reason my list making is soo effective, but there are still things on the list that I procrastinate on. I also notice that for some reason when I am home alone by myself I tend to be more productive than if someone else were in my house and it's not because I am keeping them company; I spend most of my time away in my room, it's like my little home within my house. Ohhh, how I can't wait to have my own HOUSE!!! - That process is driving us a little nutty. I try to not let it stress me out, I kind of have to. Matt gets pretty stressed out about it and I have to be the one to keep him sane, calm him down. If we are both stressing than that is just miserable for us both.....

We found a house we both loved and my parents really liked it as well. We put a nice bid in on it, but someone else had already bid on it. Our bids are supposedly really close and the current people that are in contract or whatever it is with the seller are still iffy.... I really feel like that house SHOULD be OURS!!! House hunting starts out fun, but gets OLD really fast! I am really ready for it to be over and to live with my lovey!!! We are so much happier together than we are being apart most of the time.

Inspired

Here I am posting again.....I always say I am going to start blogging again, "It's good for me", but then I never do... Which is sometimes "The Story of My Life" but yesterday an old friend of mine from highschool sent me a facebook message about my blog, which I THOUGHT no one read, but YOU know what thought did??? right?? (thought she only farted, but shit her pants) hahaha.... ok so here I am at work on my lunch break blogging away......

Life has been ULTRA busy lately, between work and events and just LIFE. My fiance and I are looking to buy a house, which is soo exciting on the one hand, but then stressful and tedious on the other. It is such a process and I really wish someone could just DO IT FOR ME.. It's like a big game, and looking at houses is soo draining. I just wish someone could hand us a house, or money for a house, SOMETHING. Some people have it soo easy and I really wish sometimes that i could just be handed some things in life. That is not the case and I guess in the end I learn a lot more this way, but sometimes I think I deserve a break over the people who actually catch breaks. I also work with people with MEGA$ and it's frustrating to see how much money they can throw around like its nothing, enough to buy my house or half of it - INVEST IN ME!!! :)

Then we finally find a house we LOVE, a little over our price range, but in this market, bidding low and selling lower than your asking price is pretty COMMON, yet the person's house we bid on was unwilling to lower their price. We bid much lower than their asking price and they counteroffered only $5,000 under their asking price. The house was newer to the market, so I guess she is waiting and hoping someone will come in closer to her asking price. It just SUCKS for US. I dreamt of that house last night and who knows maybe in the end she will come back to us. It is a possibility. We asked her to keep us in mind, but we are young, good people and I know something will work out for us. I try to keep the mindset of "What will be, Will be". It keeps me sane and less stressed. People around me stress more than I do and then it makes me stress and its just UGLY. Maybe sometimes I am just too lax though. I just sometimes don't see the point in stressing out. Karma is on our side, things will work out.

So I guess I am growing up, I am engaged, I am looking at houses, I will be getting married and I just can't believe it. It is sooo weird, I still feel soo young (MOST of the time). Am I ready to be a grown-up? I am definately ready for a space of my own and more time with Matt (my fiance). MOST of our relationship we have had little time for each other. We met when I was 19, I was going to community college, so I think that was the MOST time we had for each other. But we met in March and spent a lot of time together, but then in July I went away to Italy for a month. I returned in August, then went away to college in January and then all we really had was weekends for about a year. Then I finally brought my car up to school towards the end of my senior year and the trips to NJ during the week became more frequent ( a few more hours of each others company during the week). After graduation we had an amazing summer and then we both started working in September. I have a strict father so spending my life at Matt's house was never an option, so once again we only have weekends and its really only Friday nights, Saturday nights, and Sundays. Matt works on Saturdays during the day. Once in a while we hang out during the week, or see each other at the gym, but I've never been THAT girlfriend to spend every minute with my boyfriend. Not that I would want to be that person, because I do have my own life and enjoy having my own life, but having more time together would be a HUGE +.

Ok well I am cutting this off here, I need to get back to work.....

It's been too long...

I haven't blogged in sooo long... I've thought about it many times but just haven't found the time. I have been busy and a lot of good things have happened to me since I last blogged. For One: I went to Colorado with my college friend Nikki, I also am getting a promotion at work, which has made me a happier and more motivated worker. I've had a lot of fun weekends, and have really been enjoying life, but right now I feel like I need a weekend to just chill and get all my shit organized. I really dont know were to start. I decided yesterday that i should have a new approach to organizing myself - and that is that I should set goals for myself on a daily basis Like make a list with Monday through friday and for each day have a task to do to get me closer to achieving my ULTIMATE organization goal. Otherwise I keep putting it off till the weekend and don't ever seem to find time/motivation to get it together.



I have been thinking a lot about all the random "acquaintances" I have. Like I have the conductors on the NJ Transit Train that know me, I then have a security guard / cop guy in the Times Square Subway Station that says Good Morning to me and have a nice weekend on Fridays, I have the doorman of some hotel on my way to work from the 5th ave Subway Station who does the same, The coffee cart guy who I have random conversations with, and yesterday I ran into this guy who used to deliver the fresh flowers to my office and I was like ANOTHER Random acquaintance of mine!!! It's just kind of weird to think about and its like sometimes the doorman of the hotel is not there and I kind of miss him and wonder where he is..... but he's really of no significance in my life, but he makes me smile and is polite and can somewhat brighten my day. WEIRD.

Yesterday I also saw the most beautiful thing on the subway. I walk on the subway and I first see a cute german shepherd seeing eyedog just laying on the subway car floor looking sad and cute. I kept thinking how cute he is and how smart he is and what a wonderful amazing animal he is..... Then I had a brief thought about how gross and dirty the subway car floor is hahahah... Then I looked up and noticed that there was a blind COUPLE, both blind, and they were chatting with each other and they were a bit older and they seemed so happy and so truly in love - Still flirting with each other and feeling each other's hands and skin and laughing and just soooo completely and utterly happy - and I thought THAT IS BEAUTIFUL! I could see other people looking at them with some sort of pity, but I was HAPPY for them - they were happy!!! And I thought what if everyone was blind??? Maybe there would be a whole lot more people completely and totally in love - because people judge too much by sight sometimes..... They really put a smile on my face.

Because I'm Freeeeeeee......Freewriting!

The weather has been seasonably warm and I was already starting to catch the spring fever. I went for a run last night when I got home from work because it was still LIGHT out which I LOVE and the weather was just amazing, the air fresh, the temperature perfect for running... I just wanted to breathe in the slightly cool air all night. I really wish I had my own place, because last night I would have had friends over to sit outside and just hang out and enjoy the beautiful weather, clear skies, and on top of that it was a FULL Moon, which made the sky light up and it never really got fully dark..... ahhh I could have sat outside all night... BUT this morning the temperatures DROPPED and the wind picked up and it is now AGAIN WINTER and blustering cold and I got caught in a wind tunnel walking from the subway to my office this morning. There is this one spot on the way to my office where the wind just thrives and you feel like it is trying to kidnap you and take you for a ride. I never wished for a winter to be over soo much, this year it has felt extra long and extra frigid. I can not wait for green grass, beach days, picnics, the hot beating sun on my skin, warm sand in my toes, long days, walks in the park, bike rides, barbecues, relaxing by the pool, hookah smooking, summer nights, spring days, outdoor concerts, frozen margaritas, blooming gardens, watermelon, fresh corn on the cob, A Tan, ohhh the countless things I love about spring and summer. I do appreciate ALL the seasons, but I am just sick of this winter for some reason. It is the first time I have felt this way.

I am going to Canada for Easter, and I am afraid the weather is going to be COLD there and I really wish that the family was just meeting somewhere WARM for the holiday. I would much prefer that and I think everyone else would too. My dad bought us all plane tickets and he didnt invite Matt (my boyfriend) or mention anything about Matt coming. I feel bad, but what can I do. I wish I was staying home to take care of my dog and enjoy the empty house, instead Vanessa is going to take care of her while we are gone. I am hoping that I will be pleasantly surprised and do something fun and interesting while I am there, but we are there for soo short and will probaly be preoccupied with family visits. That is just how it is...

I just realized today is Thursday, and that is my favorite day of the week. The day is kind of dragging though, especially compared to the previous days this week. They have all FLOWN by, but one more day to go before the weekend, and I am hoping to have a nice weekend this weekend. We are going to the city Saturday night for this girl Sarah's birthday and I am trying to have a positive outlook on the night but I can not help but worry that it is going to suck, but I am trying not to think that way. It's just that some of the people that will be there sure do know how to make me feel like an outcast and disliked and uncomfortable. I have felt unwelcomed by some and even maybe disliked by some. It's hard to have a good time with those vibes floating around me. On the other hand we are going OUT to a bar so if those people make me feel uncomfortable then I can talk to randoms, which is one of my FAVE past times. I love meeting new people and talking to them and giving them like the third degree, asking question after question and just learning about them. I think it is sooo much fun. Another thing on my side is that Matt will be there with me, no beer pong table to distract him and we usually have a GREAT time when we go out in the city. The venue sounds really cool like a rock and roll club, with bands on one floor, a dj on another, and a rooftop bar. I dig all that stuff. I also do not have to drive at all so alcohol will be consumed by me hahahhahah... I have read bad reviews about the place we are going to but it sounds pretty cool and Im not going to let the reviews sway me away from the place, even though if it were my bday and I had chosen the place to go out. I MOST likely would NOT have chosen that place based on the reviews.... hahah... but I am just very particular like that, if I am going out and planning a night out - I research and research and research soo we can try to find the best fit for our budget and needs. My friends and I have had some great nights out because of that. We will be able to drink at this girl's apartment before we go out so that we dont need to spend so much money on drinks and I was even thinking about being EXTRA Ghetto and bringing a flask in hahahahhah... I can't believe I am posting this. One of the main complaints of the venue in the review was the high priced drinks made with crap alcohol, as well as the rude staff... bringing a flask just helps to avoid some of the cons of the place LOL.

I think the day is dragging because I am kind of dragging and there is not much for me to do today. When this happens I always get anxiety that I am forgetting to do something. That happens to me before I leave to.... I have to stop for a second to make sure I finished all my tasks for the day. I also have this fear that one day Im going to leave the office and its REALLY not going to be 5:00pm. That I am just going to think it is, or look at the wrong time somewhere. I dont know why...but I check the time like 3 times before I leave. I check it on my work phone, on my computer, and on my cell phone hahahahah... I guess its kind of OCD.

This blog is pretty random and I definately was struggling at some points to get my flow on, but thats how it goes. I once had a class in middle school I think where I teacher would give us 5 or 10 minutes in the beginning of class to just "freewrite" and you would write about whatever came to your mind. I think it was one of my favorite things to do. This blog reminds of that exercise. Did you ever Freewrite in school?

Torn

The OCD part of me really wants me to blog today.... but I dont know if I have anything to bust out..... I am again feeling very energized today... I really think it may be due to this cleanse, bc I really do not know what else to attribute it to.... I went to bed late last night. My Feng Shui definately SUCKS right now. I haven't ingested much caffeine.... yehh soo it has to be the cleanse working its MAGIC....

Sometimes I really feel like I am a shitty girlfriend, because I can be somewhat unaffectionate, and distant. I also like to have a somewhat seperate life from my boyfriend, not totally, but I just like to go out and do things with my friends without him sometimes and its really nothing against him.....I just think that its healthy to do that and I always hated girls who dragged their boyfriends into EVERYTHING that we would do... It's like why??? I think my boyfriend and I have an understanding there, but at this time of our lives its sooo hard to spend time with each other as well as friends and I feel bad when I want to go hang out with my friends, but I also feel bad not hanging out with my friends. You got to keep your friends, ya know? You can't not hang out with them because you have a boyfriend. I don't want to be THAT person. It happens way too much and it is shitty. Ya know how many friends have gotten like LOST because they are in these relationships where they don't really come and out hang - It doesnt have to be all the time, but at least once in a while - SHOW YOUR FACE! I understand in the beginning of a relationship if you want to spend every minute with that special one - IT HAPPENS but there comes a time when you need to come out and socialize outside of the two of you, RIGHT?? I think its only healthy.... but yehh I sometimes feel torn, because I want to hang out with my friends, but I don't want my boyfriend to feel as if I don't want to hang out with him. And lately I haven't been really into the bar scene or any of that stuff and that also makes it harder to hang out with some of my friends, because thats what they do and I feel bad CONSTANTLY turning them down ..I really don't know where this is going so maybe I will end that right here. It's just sometimes I choose my friends over my boyfriend and I dont know if that is right or not... Is that shitty??? It actually makes me want to LIVE with my boyfriend more and more, because then at least I would be coming home to him and be guaranteed TIME with him on a daily basis. I think if we lived together we'd be even happier than we are and we are pretty happy together. My boyfriend lives with a roommate who has a girlfriend that is ALWAYS around , like practically lives there and I wonder sometimes if he wishes I was like that. I know that he doesnt - he has told me, but I know that he gets lonely too. I just hate "thinking I may have been the cause" of any loneliness or pain he might feel. I want to make him happy and that's all.

I HAVE to stop now....

Feeling Good

BLOG.....I have been putting off blogging today, and I did not blog all weekend, even though I had a few urges to but just never did, this will probably be a NORMAL thing for me though. I try to not spend too much time on the computer on the weekends, since I spend most of my weekdays on it at work. I don't really know what I feel like blogging about today Im having BLOGGING BLOCK!!! hahah....

Well I feel good today, which is unusual for a Monday... I woke up and had some trouble getting out of bed, but not because I was tired which is the usual reason, but because my dog was being a BIG Cuddle Bunny... She was actually a Cuddle Bunny all night, I woke up in the middle of the night and she was like ON TOP of me, a 60lb Boxer, hehehe soo cute with her mushy face next to mine, but once I woke up I could feel her weight on me and had to move her after a while. It's soo funny how pets can make you feel SOOO loved and you can love them back sooooo much..... So yes I woke up feeling energized, which is happening more and more lately and I think it may be due to this cleanse I am doing because that is SUPPOSED to be one of the effects of it...I also was looking at my tum in the mirror like I often do and it appeared to me that some of my love handles that are in the area where my waist SHOULD be, creating this extra ugly curve that shouldnt be there, are starting to fade away this also could be due to the cleanse and hopefully also due to my intense workouts that I have been having as of lately. I was productive at work today, even though I am blogging right now, but the day is almost over and I finished up a big project I was working on. The weather was seasonably warm this weekend and Im already feeling the Spring Fever, but I KNOW it's too early for that. The clocks moved forward and i thought that would cause me to be tired today but I am glad it didnt. I did spend a good part of yesterday looking at the ONLY clock in my house with the WRONG time (the one on my nightstand LOL) soo I was a little thrown off when it was an hour later than I thought it was..... I tried to get myself into bed earlier than normal even though I do not really understand how switching the clocks REALLY makes you feel tired or not tired, because if you go to bed at 10 and wake up at 6 its STILL 8 hours sleep! and Im sure most people sleep in on the weekend, especially the day after the clocks are turned forward and I just dont understand, but I KNOW I have felt the effects before... It just HURTS to think about it....

I've been trying to have a healthier lifestyle, less drinking, and if I do drink its not in excess, more exercising, doing a cleanse, drinking more water, TRYING to eat healthy.... I mean I can eat HEALTHY... I really don't think my eating habits are really unhealthy.... I am always watching, but its soo hard for me to DIET. I lack willpower in that department. I LOVE to eat, and if you put delicious food in my reach I am going to GO FOR IT... I think my biggest challenge is at work. We get food catered in a lot for meetings and when there are extra sandwiches and cookies, and brownies, and sushi, and chips, and whatever else there may be I am going to want to eat it. I try really hard not to, but it is a big challenge to me. I order lunch here everyday and most of the time I am good at ordering something somewhat healthy and I have been working on become better and better at it, because the scale tells me I am not losing much weight, even though I have been feeling a hell of a lot better and it's shitty... sometimes I feel like it is soo much easier for others to lose than it is for me... I really think my metabolism sucks! but I am trying to be patient and just hope that the weight will just start to shed out of nowhere... I also am working on the dieting thing and trying to eat MORE salads and JUST salads nothing else... I hope it starts to work and the scale shows me results. On Saturday after I weighed myself it made me feel like crap though... I felt HEAVY and self conscious, which is BAD but possibly good. I feel like if I feel that way then I may be more likely to watch what I eat and say NO to bad things put into my reach. I should maybe weight myself more often. I usually stay away from the scale, because it's not really my friend LOL. I should make peace with the scale and look at it as an aid to me getting into the shape I want to be in. This day is really flying and the stock market is going to close in 15 minutes.

It was soo dark on the way to work this morning, and for a few weeks before the time change it was becoming soo bright in the mornings. i must say that the dark in the morning is a bit more comforting to me, waking up and walking out and getting on the train and being lighter when I get home from work is just a GREAT feeling. I love coming home after work on a nice day and going for a walk with my Penny Poopy Pants (thats my dog's nickname hahaha)..... She has a few though... amongst those are Ugly, Peepee pants, Poops, Momma, Caca..... the list could probably go on....hahaha... these names are all out of love, so don't go calling the humane society on me. I LOVE my dog to death and I am just a GOOF. Unfortunately, I am forced to discontinue this entry because I must do some end of day stuff at work.

Blog ya later! (I am a dork)

Ambition

I really do not feel like working today... It's Friday and I tend to feel this way every week. Not many people in my office come in on Fridays and it can be soooooo quiet - today is one of THOSE days.... I have work that I have made for myself, but don't really feel like doing at all.... I am so thankful to have a job right now, but lately I have been thinking that I really need something MORE.... My mind is bored because the stimulation is somewhat minimal. I know I am an extremely smart person and I really believe taht I am not living to my potential right now. It sucks! I know that my mind could be put to much better use..... and I know it may be my fault for lack of ambition and of course my insecurites I have discussed before, such as being unsure of myself most of the time. I just wish something would fall into my lap. I love the environment here at my job, but there is just something missing...... I also feel there is lack of support in leaving the field I am currently in from my father, I have mentioned that I don't know if this is the best career path for me to him before and he's just made me feel like I am an idiot, but it SHOULD be about what I want and what I am interested in, shouldnt it be? All the things I have ever been passionate about and really interested in, I was always told that they were fields tht were "too hard" to get into, but who says that I WOULDNT BE ABLE TO GET INTO THEM. If I have talent and enough passion for something I believe I could do anything, but I've always let those words influence me and told myself that they are justified and that I should keep those things JUST as hobbies for me to enjoy on the side, but now its like WHO has time for hobbies?? I rarely get the time or am able to "make" the time to partake in my hobbies and I just wish I could incorporate them somehow into my job.....

I always said that I would be something great one day..... and I really just feel like I am falling short, granted I am in a better position for this than many others my age, but I feel like my dreams are out of reach right now and I don't like it. I wish I could just see some sort of potential for a movement to something GREATER... I create these ideas in my head sometimes that maybe this will happen and then I will get my BIG CHANCE to do something great, but really is that really going to happen for me??? I just wish it would.

The economy is sooo bad right now and in my field of work I feel like EVERYONE is walking around on their tippy toes just hoping they don't get fired. I also feel like it is such a bad time for ANYTHING to happen for me, because who wants to promote at this point? It's soo unfair. It is also unfair that I feel I have an improper job title and do a HELL of a lot more work than people with the same official job title and probably get paid the same... I feel like I am always caught in situations like this, that people underestimate me, or don't realize my potential and/or everything I do; maybe even take advantage of me. I just hope that ONE day I will get MINE. Karma has to kick in right? I still know that some day I will do something great, because I am far from average or mediocre. I guess right now I just need to be patient because of the terrible economy and keep my eyes and ears open and maybe be a bit more ambitious. I definately do not want to get stuck in a dead end job and a "routine" that I am unhappy with. I am not saying that's where I am at now, I am definately happy with my work environment and the opportunities I get here and there, but if things continue the way they are forever I will be BORED and miserable.....I think. hahah

Appreciation

Hello again.. I am kind of anxious to blog today, I really want to try to blog regularly. All my life I've enjoyed keeping journals but as of lately have been unable to keep up to date with them. I would only write when i was feeling REALLY Horrible, because writing has always been so therapeutic to me, but writing about only the bad times is not very healthy...

Today is a pretty good day - a light day at work, I have officially booked Matt and I's flights to and from Michigan to drive out to Bonnaroo, which is something I am really looking forward to.....Roadtripping and a huge music festival = things I've always really wanted to do. I also told my father our plans, which was a huge task in itself and a big weight lifted from my shoulders... So all in all I am feeling good! The sun is shining today and the temperatures are working their way up, we have some 60 degree temps coming our way which is delightful after this blustering cold and NorEaster that just hit... I am ready! Bring the sunshine and Spring weather!!!

Everyone is going to these St. Patty's day parades this Saturday, one in Philly, and one in Hoboken, but Id really rather spend my day hiking or exploring, just enjoying the beautiful weather we are supposed to have. I really have been turned off to drinking lately. I don't really appreciate the drunken feeling, and The MASSIVE amounts of extra calories that add up are something I really can't handle right now. I am trying to get myself into Summer Sexy Shape, so I can feel good this summer, especially while at Bonnaroo in Tennessee in the sweltering HEAT, wearing minimal clothing to try to keep cool. As a matter of fact, I just asked my brother to go hiking on Saturday during the day. He is on a new kick, since his break up with his fiance, trying to learn how to live a simpler life and to enjoy the simple things in life, which I appreciate and am very proud of him for doing. Too many people take the simpler things in life for granted, including myself, but I do try to take time to appreciate them whenever I can. Everyone should stop take a breath and look around at everything that is there for you to enjoy. You will be amazed to find things that you've never noticed before because you were too busy with something petty or just not paying attention. Take it all in and try to enjoy and find the beauty that surrounds you.... Ok thats enough I was getting a little too much there I think....but its still true.

I saw the comedian Louis CK a few weeks ago and a lot of his act was pointing out how people really FAIL to appreciate the simple things. One of his jokes was about people complaining on an airplane and he was like what are you complaining about your in a seat in the air FLYING!! What is there to be complaining about???

And it is soo true, people should spend less time complaining and more time enjoying life.... I know I am guilty of complaining sometimes, but most of the time I am doing it to get some kind of laugh, like making a joke out of something stupid that happened, but I definately do bitch about stupid things, maybe I should try to focus on "bitching less" and enjoying more. Life is good when I think about it - I HAVE A JOB (which is GREAT at this point in time), I am utterly in love with the same boy for almost 6 years THIS month!, I have a decent family, a roof over my head, a dog that loves me to no end (and I the same hehe) etc. etc..... really if I think about the list can go on and on with things I should be grateful for.

Judgement

This is my first blog EVER... I have many times started to write a blog and then chickened out. For some reason I've always just been too nervous about putting my feelings and thoughts out there for people to read. I think I am afraid to be judged sometimes, which probably has come from a life of being "judged"...always being monitored, and supervised, and told what to do... "Christina, what are you doing? Why are you doing it that way? and Why dont you do it this way??" That is what life in my household is like and this has probably imprinted a whole slew of issues on me. I am very unsure of myself, always second guessing things that I really DO KNOW, I am not a GREAT decision maker, even if I really know what I want. I just dont want to be the one to make the decision most of the time. I'd rather someone tell me their decision that way I know they are happy and I know most of the time the decision wont bother me because I'm not a picky person with most things..... Now, Im not saying I am a pushover, because if I feel STRONGLY about something I will fight till I get what I want... but I do seem to live my life to please others, and I realize this.... but its hard to please EVERYONE, especially in my world, so I don't really accomplish this........

Sometimes I feel like I live almost a TRIPLE life..... I feel like there's a Home ME, a Work Me, and then a Friends me (and that may even be divided into two, with people I am close with and people that I am not that close with)... I think it can be very hard to get to know the REAL me, which I would categorize as the "Friends Me (the ones I am close with)" this is the best me, the fun, outgoing, goofy, chill, creative, etc. me... At home I feel like I can be somewhat of a bitch as well as introverted, I am almost always on edge and somewhat uncomfortable being the REAL me in front of my family, and again I guess that has to do with "judgement" and feeling judged by my parents, especially my father. He really knows how to make me feel judged..... At work I am probably more myself but just a bit more serious, but I am thinking that is pretty normal.... All of these "Mes" make up the REAL me and they all intertwine in reality, but there are just extremes in different environments....Do you have these different versions of yourself?? Maybe you don't because you are extremely confident and comfortable with who you are and why should you change yourself to the environment you are in????