March 23rd, 2016 Notes from my iPhone

Today was strange, yet beautiful. It was a little bit of everything.  I baked, I cooked, I shopped, I totally mommed, we even had a decent attempt at an impromptu picnic.  I don't want to forget today.

I regularly think about all the things that need to be done each day and sometimes exhaust myself with my thoughts alone.  Today I was able to be leisurely and take each moment for what it was.  I had to.  I woke up feeling tense, and upset for no reason at all.  It was just one of those mornings.  I knew we were expecting beautiful weather, and I wasn't going to let my melancholy feelings bring me/us down. I took action and turned things around.

A few snaps from the cellies:

In the morning I taught her how to hunt Easter Eggs.

 

 A little light baking during naptime.





Epic Bath Time Fun.





Scored the cutest Easter loot at Target.

Impromptu Backyard Picnic Attempts





A little more hunting



 

That Smile :)
 

Under the Microscope.

A flaw of mine is that I constantly feel judged.  I frequently feel like I am under someone's microscope.  Part of me knows it's because of the way I was brought up.  I feel like both my parents were always observing everything I did, and criticizing, micromanaging, questioning, and probably even sometimes scolding me... I think my mom always felt this way with my Dad as well, so I picked up the attitude from her...It can make you very defensive, tense, and distant when you feel this way. It sometimes prohibits me from doing things, and plays into my procrastination habits -- "I will just do it when no one is around to say anything"...I think it also makes me seek approval, or as my husband and I joke, "a pat on the back"...

ANOTHER reason I feel this way is because people totally DO judge...I am constantly listening to people jump to conclusions about others based on the slightest interactions.  I know we all do it, and some are just more vocal about it than others.  And many have these judgmental thoughts and then immediately throw them away, while others hold onto them and look at you funny forever in time.

I am not sure if people just feel like they can confide in me easily, or if they can tell I am not going to judge them for their judgments, or if they just think I am right by their side making these same judgments. Perhaps, it's even just normal behavior for them regardless of their company. But I do feel like people open up to me, and tell me things about others that sometimes I am taken aback by. The thing is: I really try not to judge you, and I can relate to the things people say, because I am human, and I understand that emotions sometimes get in the way of our minds. It just makes me uncomfortable knowing that someone out there could be/ and probably is judging me somewhere...But why?

Most of the time I can talk myself through it, and say, "who cares?"  Someone is always going to have something to say.... and now, more than ever that is the case.  Because this is the age of sharing, we all share our lives away via social media, and live for likes, and the comments that come with it.  But sometimes for me, it's a bit scary, thinking about the people out there who aren't going to like what I'm putting out there, or think I am totally ridiculous, and as much as I tell myself I don't care - there will always be this part of me that....worries about the judgments being made by others out there.  I can picture people laughing together at me as they read or look at my posts - or just thinking "this girl is so annoying", or the classic "we don't care about your baby."


I googled the definition of humanity and according to Merriam-Webster online:

 It's kind of ironic that the definition is BOTH "all people" and "the quality or state of being kind to other people..."   I'm just saying I don't find it to be true that all people are kind.  And this is something I need to accept, because it is a reality, and there is no way I can please everyone or make everyone like me.  OR furthermore, make people be nice to each other... Emotions are powerful.

 Ya know, sometimes you wish you knew what people said behind your back, don't you?.....But at the same time it's kind of terrifying.  Every time I think I want to know what someone has said behind my back, I think twice, and change my mind.  It's going to sting, and it's going to stick to my brain and haunt me until I learn to let it go... but depending on what it is, how long could that take? I am not sure if I want to handle that blow.  Is that a bad thing?  I'm not sure.  There are some fears I am willing to face......and others.......well, let's say I haven't faced them yet.

I am proud of myself for already hitting my quota for the month....It doesn't hurt that I can see people are actually coming here to read.  Thanks for egging me on guys!  XO

Sunday Snippets Vol. 2

So maybe I can try to make this my new "thing" - a weekly "snippet" from my mind to yours.  What do you think?

I will give it a try.

Lately, more than ever, I have been thinking about selling all of our stuff, buying an RV, and living on the road for as long as we can make it work .  See the country, meet new people, experience different things - it's always something in the back of our minds.  It's the conventions of life that keep us grounded - family, and jobs. I always think that maybe one day the stars will align and the time will just feel right -- but will it?

Sunday Snippets

I am always thinking of topics to bring to the table here, and sometimes I even make notes of these topics... I find it's hard to really flush out all my ideas into a lengthy post.  So today, I thought to myself, why not just come here and leave short little snippets from time to time.  It will get me to post more often, and sometimes it's nice to keep things short and simple. Am I right?

My first snippet:

I often look at my daughter and think, "she has no idea how much I love her".  And it's true.  She will never know until she has spawn of her own.  It's so funny how life works.  I imagine life would be a little different if babies could understand, and know the way their parents love them.

 

 

 

There's something to think about.

 

Goodnight XO

 

 

 



Kill them with Kindness

I try so hard to be nice to just about everyone that I come across.  Some days it's harder than others, and some people make it more difficult than I'd like.  It literally hurts my feelings when I find it difficult to be nice to you -- no matter how much I may feel you deserve it. People are moody, there are so many factors in someone's day that can dictate attitudes. People can also be misunderstood and misread, and these are all things that I try to keep in mind always.  

When I'm at the office, I try to smile, and say hello to my fellow employees in passing. Most people will greet you right back, and the ones that don't.....I don't really get them, but I see it almost as a challenge to get them to smile back and greet me. It's always a good feeling when I can break them.  Recently, I was reading a book and it was mentioned that the French go around greeting everyone in their paths with "Bonjour" (good day) and that sometimes when Americans feel as though the French are being rude, it's because you haven't greeted them with the proper bonjour.  A waitress, salesperson, friend, and business person, all get the same greeting - for we are all human and should be treated accordingly.  So, next time you are in France please remember to greet everyone with a simple bonjour and let me know how that pans out for ya.  I think every culture should adapt this...

I am a firm believer in killing with kindness...I remember the first time I heard that phrase. I think I was in college and working retail part-time... And from that moment forward I adapted that behavior... It really helps you to dig deep and find that extra bit of patience and move forward. Some people are just rude for the sake of making themselves feel better about themselves. To be rude back is just a waste of energy.  I like to believe that people are good.  But too frequently, I find myself very disappointed. 

There's someone in my life right now that I know doesn't like me. And for some time, I thought it was kind of this mutual dislike for each other, that we were keeping under wraps for the sake of our ecosystem --like agreeing to disagree. But then I found out they said "brutal"things behind my back. And now I have said things behind their back (guilty!)... With all this said, they recently had a shitty day and I STILL felt compassion for them. I asked them if things were ok and I was kind of shooed away with an abrupt, "I'm fine".  But then when I witnessed someone else asking this person how things were, they responded with a smile and a "terrible".   This person is now going through the most momentous of occasions and I'm finding it difficult to be "happy for them" - I have congratulated and sent kind words because in general I feel the occasion deserves that.  But, part of me is really struggling to feel.......well....genuine, I guess. And I'm not sure if the roles were reversed, if this person would be so nice to me.  I disappoint myself when I have feelings/thoughts like this.  I know I just need a moment to gather my "sanity" and get over it, but the fact is I still for a moment went to that place and lingered for a bit.  I needed to take that step back, and realize it's not worth it.  You know what I am saying? Do you every have feelings like this?

I have been thinking about putting together a piece of some sort called "Advice for Zoey".  I have been writing down little things here and there that I find valuable in life-- Things that I want her to know, and have in her toolbox. You can be sure one of the things on that list will be:

 "Kill them with kindness"....

 

A Literary Selfie

So I failed at coming here twice last month, but I am going to blame it on February being a short month. Is that ok? I will just have to post 3 times this month! Today, I am going to do a post similar to ones I have done in the past. I am just going to share little random facts about myself.  I think it's a fun exercise to do, and a good way for you readers out there to learn more about who I am..

I love to take photos, but I'd say I am not very photogenic.
I tend to put others before myself.
I suffer with anxiety issues.
I love meaningful gestures.
My hair is one of my favorite features.
I have issues with letting things go.
I am passionate about art.
I Love hard.
I highly value alone time, but don't always get it.
I don't always speak my mind.
I tend to avoid conflict.
I am super resourceful.
I have a very nerdy side.
Sometimes I pretend I don't know things, just to not seem like a know-it-all.
I sometimes state the obvious.
Sometimes my honesty can come off as mean.
I tend to assume that people don't like me. Although, I believe I can get along with just about anyone.
I live at the Jersey Shore and work in New York City...and I think that alone kind of sums me up as a person.
I have a large amount of patience for most things, and others not so much.
I really enjoy food- eating it, cooking it, photographing it.
Loyalty is a big thing for me.
Sometimes I like to break the rules. Being a bit of a bad-ass feels so darn good from time to time.
Most of the time I am really quite innocent.
I love being outside.
My thoughts tend to be all over the place.
I try not to judge people.
I am probably much more compassionate than most people know.
I hate gossip and drama. It makes me uncomfortable. Unless, I am watching it on TV :)
One of my guilty pleasures is watching Bravo TV.
Grey's Anatomy makes me cry like a baby.
My husband and I watch New Girl and Big Bang Theory episodes on repeat.
I fantasize and analyze a lot.
Sometimes I go against my first instincts on purpose.
I love turquoise jewelry.
Music Festivals make me feel alive.
I second guess myself too often.
I underestimate myself.
It took having a baby for me to really appreciate them.
I feel as though I am missing some female genetics.
One of my worst habits is procrastination.
I am not sure I really have a favorite color.
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.
I can be very gullible.
Relaxing is not really my thing.
I love to make lists.
I always carry a notebook and pen.
I wish I travelled more.
I don't like to ask for help.
I am a bit of a hopeless romantic.
Experiences mean more to me than material items.
I am really into knitted clothing.
I prefer to wear my hair down.
I have bracelets I never take off.
I love the sound of the Banjo.
I drink beer.

And that's all for now folks.  Please check back for new posts whenever you can. I won't always be announcing when I post. Thanks for reading and if there's anything you would like me to expand upon, leave a comment. XO

Oh what a difference a good weekend can make!

I started this post on Thursday, February 19th...

I am so distracted today.... I can't seem to stay focused on the things I should be focusing on.  I am tired, and unmotivated, and yearning for a nap.  February is flying by, and I need to keep on track with trying to come here to post twice a month. It's been a while since I have just rambled to you, and I am guessing some of you might miss that side of me. I have been feeling a bit down lately, and although in the past feeling that way sparked my inspiration to write -- I have just been kind of stuck in a rut.   And, it's not everyday I feel this way, but it's just been on and off these past few months.  I also drank wine with friends last night, and stayed up too late... So lack of sleep is kicking in and making me feel like a bit of a zombie. Gosh, I am getting old... I never really feel like an adult, even with a child, I still feel like that same girl I was in my twenties, or at least that's how I want to see myself.  I am definitely different, and have been through so much since then.. It's crazy to reflect upon the maturity that occurs in yourself throughout a decade.

I have been doing a lot of cleaning, organizing, rearranging, and purging this year.  I recently came across this folder in my house that I had labeled, "Christina's Creative Flow"(HAHAHAH), it contains mostly stories and poems that I had written in middle school and highschool.  It was so interesting to look back on these things and my perspective on life, and although I was much younger and spunkier, I still was surprised at how much wisdom I actually had at that age.  I was writing about friendships vanishing and greed in the world, and of course LOVE.  Goodness, at a young age, I really fell in love with someone, and it consumed me. Still, to this day, I think of it as real love... I know sometimes when we are younger we think we love someone, but then you look back and think NO, that was not love at all... but this was magical, there was just this connection I felt from the moment I laid my eyes on this person.  I would like to think it was mutual -- we did continue a relationship for years upon years, not always romantic, but we stayed in touch and would talk to each other for hours very frequently.  It was Bella and Edward type shit.... except we were never really sexual, and of course he didn't sparkle in the light. For me, Love has never been about your physical appearance.  I have always been more of a personality person.  I can honestly say that sometimes someone being super attractive is a bit of a turnoff to me...Not totally, but if you are super good-looking it might make it harder for me to be attracted to you -you would have to work harder to make your personality shine through...

But anyways, here I am coming back to finish this post on a Monday morning.  I am feeling refreshed from the weekend, and the weather took a turn towards spring this weekend.  Oh I love it!  I got to take Zoey to the park and the beach.. fresh air, sunshine and salty air make me a happy woman.  My muscles are also a little sore this morning from getting in some good workouts over the weekend, and I also found out that I still have hot yoga classes available to me that I bought years ago at my favorite studio... so I am feeling uppity! It's probably mostly the weather making me feel this much better than last week.  Last week it was rainy, and gloomy all week and that just really takes a toll on me.  I don't think I could ever live in London or Seattle, or anywhere that has full on clouds and rain  for long periods of time.  I really feel like I would turn into a puddle on the ground... How do people do it?  I guess it takes a certain type.  My mood is way too affected by the weather.. Do you feel that way too?

I am so happy to feel like a page has turned today.. sometimes Mondays are the worst, but today I am digging you Monday! Happy Monday to any of you out there reading this! xox

 



She loves it as much as I do!

Hanging with her Nonna

Baby BFFs



Check that Pony out!