Vibes

Have you ever met a person that just makes you crazy and not yourself? That gives off negative vibes that seem to find some way to seep into you? I have at least one person like this in my life and it makes me crazy to be around them or to know that Matt is around them without me. I am so not a jealous person, I am very secure in my relationship with Matt, as well as in myself. Hey!! I'm a pretty good catch! hahaha.....I hate jealousy, I think it's an UGLY, ugly thing.. It makes people act ridiculous and do horrible things and it definately will push the object of your affection away, if it is a constant in your life. I've had my bouts with jealousy, and to be honest it is no fun being jealous. It's a lot more fun to embrace life and people. You should be happy for the people you are "jealous of" because there is a reason you are jealous of them. Doing this will make you feel better about yourself and maybe even motivate and inspire you to become a better person....I just really can't believe the power of a person's "aura", ya know? Because some people can make you feel the opposite, if they are super positive and a genuinely wonderful person, those vibes seep into you and you start to feel GREAT about yourself. I have a few people like that in my life as well, who make me feel like a BEAUTIFUL person. LOVE those people! They know who they are... I think....

Anyways on another note...There has been a lot of death surrounding my life. A dear friend of my fiance's died in a car crash over the weekend. It's someone that Matt was very close with before I ever was in the picture,but whenever we ran into him I could tell they had a bond. Matt's face would instantly light up and he would be soo happy to see him. I, myself never knew him well, but knew he was dear to Matt and have shared a few good times with him. He was definately a character that lit up the lives of all of his friends and it's sad to see people like that go. But I guess, "Only the good die young". He is in a better place now and will always be remembered by his many friends. What makes me upset the most is when parents have to bury their children. It's something that should NEVER happen, and it happens all too often. I believe everything happens for a reason though, it's not always clear, but I'm sure this serves a purpose somewhere in the universe.

It's funny how death brings people together... It's sad that sometimes it takes a death to unite people, but at the same time it is somewhat beautiful. I'm sure the people who die enjoy looking down and seeing people reunited. It makes people realize that they should cherish the people in their lives, because you never know when the last time you see someone will be, when goodbye is really goodbye, and not see ya next week! You never think something like that will happen to you, that someone so close to you will be gone, but you really never know! This is why people should NOT be jealous, or argue over petty things, everyone should cherish life and the people they love because you never know when your number will be called.

How depressing.....This fits my mood today though. I feel like I was very spiritual today, a little different than my normal blogs.

P.S. We moved into the house this weekend and life is good just the events surrounding us right now are not. Living with Matt is delightful. I'm sure I will have time to write about that soon, but for now TA TA!

FeBRUary

This morning I was practically blogging in my head on the way to work, I was frustrated and hating everyone and then I got to work and became motivated and happy, and rarin to go.... I don't know what overcame me, but whatever it is, I AM GLAD..... ALL week I've been this sort of bummy irritable lazy person, not wanting to really doing anything, or see anyone, and so on.... Today I am back on track and feel more like my better self. THANK GOODNESS!! I have tons of things to do because I must begin moving into my new home this upcoming Wednesday!!! YAY!!! I finally got my holiday bonus from work today, and I want to share that about 47% of it went to taxes... Isn't that just friggen WONDERFUL?!! What THE Eff?! I really still can't believe that, I am over it now, but I was pretty upset and (earlier I used the word) flabbergasted by this. It just doesn't seem right.

I was feeling pretty old this week, being so tired and not wanting to hang out with people. I , ME, wanted to go to bed early..HA! We are expecting a snow storm, starting tonight into tomorrow and I am excited to get snowed in. I was talking to a friend about this and she said the same thing, but our ideas of being "snowed in" were totally different. I enjoy being snowed in at my own home so I can get things accomplished around the house, but she was excited to be snowed in somewhere with no parents and tons of friends and booze! hahahahah WoW, I am a dorky old soul right therrrr! Oh well, I like housework, and cooking, and painting, and organizing, and then, and then, and then!!!! I'm not a total old fart and party pooper, don't get me wrong, I enjoy boozin here and there, and playing games, and getting a little rowdy, but I need to be productive, I don't like to feel like I am wasting time. It's an issue I have sometimes, I don't always know how to relax. I think I make other people nervous with this characteristic sometimes. I know Matt feels it sometimes, when he wants to lay in bed and be a bum all day and he can feel me getting nervous and twitchy and wanting to leave to go get SOMETHING done. I get anxiety if I am not doing something productive sometimes. I just always feel like I have SOO much to do. It's not like it's all in my head either. I have lists of things that I want to and need to do. They are actual REAL things. I don't understand how some people have so much time to just play around, hang out, party! Do they have NO responsibilities, or maybe just No SENSE of responsibility??? I don't know. I know people who barely spend any time at home, HOW??? Don't you at least have mail to go through? Or bills to pay? A room to clean? Laundry to do? I dunno. Maybe its a freedom thing. They could maybe do that stuff into the weee hours of the night or morning, where if I were to do that my parents would be like GO TO BED, what are you doing?? Like they have before, when I get my midnight bursts of motivation.

I've really become a blogger hahaha... I kind of can't believe it. I never thought it would happen. I was always afraid to put my thoughts out there into the web universe, but as I've mentioned before there's probably not many people who read my rambles and rants.

Unfortunately, I think I have to end this here. The market is about to close, I have things to do and I need to get out of here early. I will write again soon.

Ooh Baby, Baby, It's a Wild World.....It's hard to get by just upon a smile girl.

I think I am an old soul with a child's heart. Does that make sense? It's kind of an oxymoron, but it's not. Think about it. I just know that I can act like an old woman sometimes, but I still enjoy the simple things in life. I am easily excited and like to make light of anything that is thrown my way.

We are coming down to the grind on the house buying. There have been MANY BUMPS in the road that have driven me crazy, but All in ALL everything has worked out well....knock on wood. Today is the day we get our mortgage commitment and I am hoping from here out is SMOOTH sailing???? You never know though, I've thought that before then encountered ANOTHER bump in the road. I am getting very anxious and can't wait to move in!!! To be FREE!!! To have my own life!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!! I am 25 and never have felt totally free because of the way I have been raised and now finallyI will be free and feel free. I think this will be GREAT for me, as well as Matt, and just US as a WHOLE. The money still makes me nervous, but I have been doing my best to save and to pay as many bills off as I can and Ive done alright. I am trying to set myself up for SUCCESS!

The house is very homey and I know we will make it even more cozy once we move in . It warms me inside to just thinking about walking around the house in my bare feet and being in my OWN kitchen, having our own yard and big living room, office space, and just SPACE!! ahhh I LOVE IT! It makes me smile :D. Life is good.

We've hired a new marketing guy at work, and I want ohh so bad to love him and to learn from him and possibly be taken under his wing. It's just that so far, I've had a few negative experiences with him, but I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, and try to tell myself I WILL LIKE HIM... I just don't like him YET. He will grow on me, he needs to get comfortable in his new environment. Let's hope! Marketing has always been my PASSION in the business world. I just feel that it is something I could be good at, and I think I hold a pretty good understanding of it. It's what I said I wanted to do right out of school, but all the jobs I'd like to do are all things that seem to be HARD to get into without any experience, which boggles my mind a bit. How do you get the experience if NO ONE will hire you into the position?? hmmmmm.... It's always seems to be more about WHO you know rather than WHAT you now in this world and it's very unfortunate that is hast to be that way. The world is a corrupt unfair place though in many aspects.

I am really hungry right now and my brain won't think about anything but food. Not good. I have work to do, and this blog probably won't go any further... At least I got a blog in this week. I wonder if any random people ever read this. If so, Thanks?! If not, whatever, it is more for my sanity and venting purposes. I like to put things out there, because if you keep them bottled up it's not healthy. Express yourself! PEACE!

Making up

Here I am again... Bloggity Blog - TWICE in ONE week! I am making up for all the blogging I HAVEN'T done....kind of.....



Today I am in a BLAH mood, I feel tired and sad and very unmotivated. I have kind of been up and down this week. I go from being VERY positive, motivated, inspired to I just don't want to do anything... I think I am just tired because at night I am so restless. My back has been hurting more than usual at night and I never know how to lay. My last blog from earlier in the week was pretty positive, but today I am feeling almost opposite. I am excited tomorrow is a day off though, and hopefully I will get some rest and start feeling like my optimistic self again. I DO consider myself an optimist, I always try to point out the positive in everything, sometimes to extremes where I even just have to LAUGH at MYSELF.



Today I am not as happy with my job, because I realize that I've definately become less of a go getter. this is something that i lack passion and confidence in. Looking for a new job kind of scares me... and it's not like I am miserable here, but I just feel like I could be so much better at something else, something more active and interactive and creative. I always imagined working in some creative team to create something - just working off each other's ideas and putting together something great! I work with a team here and they put together a great portfolio of stocks, BUT BLAH that's so boring! (to me that is!) I want to do arts and crafts!!! hahahaha...



Tomorrow we are getting our hopefully "soon to be home" inspected, and that will be something to make me happy and i will be able to get my creativity flowing with the decorating of it once we move in. Life moves soo fast, and it just gets faster and faster - years start to feel like months and months start to feel like weeks, and weeks start to feel like days and what do we do with all this time?? I dont know, much of it is probably wasted on doing absolutely nothing. Why isn't life easier? I just want to enjoy it and do whatever my heart's desire and not have to stress..... There are so many beautiful things to see out there and not many people get the chance to go out and enjoy them. Most of my life is spent in an office and that is kind of sad, but this is America's culture, work, work, work , and more work. America needs to adapt a better quality of life as its culture... 4 day work weeks have ALWAYS sounded genious to me, as well as taking a break in the middle of the day like in Europe, everyone goes home to relax in the middle of the day. I bet productivity would be increased, and company's overhead would go down. They would save money on mostly energy costs amongst other things.

I feel like DOODIE! What is wrong..... I just want to take a nap at this point. I am very irritable and I just don't like people right now. Wahhhhh!! I need to go work out tonight, last night I slacked and the night before I didnt do anything either. I just been beached on my bed watching stupid meaningless television shows. My neck hurts and I feel like it is the root of all my back pain. I don't know what to do about it, last time I tried to talk to my doctor about it, she wanted to prescribe me some sort of pain killer and I was like NO! I felt ignored and not taken seriously and it has discouraged me from going back to see her about anything. I've been working to have better posture, becuase I've been really noticing my horrible posture - hunchback McGee! Apparently, I feel like complaining today. I am not really a complainer, but I guess everyone has their moments.

Sometimes I find such comfort in silence and being alone and I just become very peaceful and productive. Is that strange?

2010

So I have been slacking with the blogging, but here I am forcing myself to get back on the wagon today... I am not really feeling the whole blog today, so this may be painful to read, but it could also flourish into a spectacular entry so don't give up on me now!

Matt and I have gotten the contract for a house, we have just finished attorney review after a LONG and STRESSFUL process and this Thursday we are getting the house inspected!!! I am oh so excited about living with Matt and having our own SPACE and decorating, cooking, having dinner parties and just spending loads of time cleaning, organizing, and making our house wonderful....On the other hand, I am a little nervous about making mortgage payments and paying all the expenses. Ive been trying to be a little thrifty this month to see how much I can save, and I've worked to cut some of my expenses which is wonderful, and something I should have done long ago. It's so stupid when you realize the littlest things can cut your expenses by so much and you don't realize it till you NEED to. I've been praying a lot, and it seems the only way I can fall asleep lately is by praying in my head till I fall asleep. I think we should be fine, but I've NEVER lived on my own and I know that SOMETIMES I can be careless with my money. I have definately overcame a lot of the anxiety I was having at first about all the $$$$$$, but there is still of course SOME anxiety still present. I am lucky to have a decent paying job and I am really proud of Matt and I for doing this on our own....
I had always imagined that my father would play a big part in helping me buy my first house, which he has, but not financially (due to shitty economy and unfortunate business events)..... We also thought that maybe Matt's father would help us out, but as of now we are doing it on our own with our own hard earned $$$. Look at us! For anyone out there who has never bought a house and knows nothing about it, let me warn you it's A LOT MORE WORK than you can ever imagine. I never realized how much a process the whole thing is, and I think maybe buying a home in New Jersey is an even BIGGER process than most states. We've have also been somewhat unfortunate in the fact that the seller of the house we are buying has not been the easiest person to work with, but in the end this should ALL be worth it and I feel like my ADULT LIFE will finally begin!!!

Life is GOOD - I've been really happy lately. Matt and I have been GREAT together. We just CONNECT and it's such a great feeling. Sometimes I try to make myself think of things Matt will not like about me when we move in together...but I can't really think of much, what I think of the most is me being weird, or having mood swings, or even me being very go! go! go! when he can be more lax - but these all seem minor to me and they are things he already knows about me. We have been together for so long (almost 7 years) that there is probably not much we DONT know about each other.

This work day kind of flew by... I was busy for most of the day, till now when I decided to stop working and come here to BLOG! My quality of work life has been better lately too, I think because I have been busy with personal and business stuff, so it keeps me on my toes which I enjoy. I think I am just an overall active person, and when I feel like I've accomplished a lot in my day I feel good. I am not really good at relaxing....Well I mean I like to relax and be a total BUM here and there, WHO DOESNT, but I find I am a much happier, more motivated person, the more I have going on to some extent, sometimes I can get overwhelmed and want to FREAK OUT or sometimes when there is too much I want to do I just end up doing NOTHING out of complete confusion on where to start. I've gone back to the gym, and started hooping more, and I am really enjoying hoop dancing, it's a great workout, and really challenges my coordination, i.e. doing a shoulder shimmy and hooping at the same time - not really going to happen. I think I can BARELY shoulder shimmy by itself, but it makes you more aware of your body and muscles and different movements. It's great! I reccommend hoola hooping as excercise to anyone. It's fun as well as challenging! Get ONE!

Dedication

So here I am trying to keep my pledge to blog once a week. I usually am extremely anti-computer on the weekend....Today it is snowing, and I am probably going to be stranded in my house... I need to bake some Christmas cookies but I have to wait until my mother is done doing her Christmas baking.

This year I am not in the Holiday Spirit yet. I've done most of my Christmas shopping, I was on a mission today before the snow started falling HARD....I am hoping once I start to bake, maybe partake in a glass of wine and some Christmas tunage I will then be in the Spirit of Christmas FULL BLAST..... It's not that I am depressed or anything of the sort. It just simply doesn't FEEL like Christmas...

I keep getting interrupted by my family and that is one of the things I HAAAATe about being home when everyone else is.... otherwise I feel like I could be quite the homebody. Part of me was actually EXCITED that today was a snow day and Id be locked inside to putz around my house....

I recently purchased Jack Johnson's "En Concert" Special Edition Album and DVD Film..... I am OBSESSED!!! If you are a big JJ fan, I recommend you buy this. The songs on the album are amazing and the DVD is BEAUTIFUL! I always said I would love to MARRY Jack Johnson, and this has only CONFIRMED these feelings. He is just so "obtainable" and "real" - I feel like he is so chill and easy to hang out with. I would love to either be in his band, or just travel with them. They seem like such a fun, interesting, passionate bunch. Maybe I should see if they are hiring any roadies or anything hahaha... This is my mind.

I got my hair did yesterday. I always want to ask the people that work there if they have ever found a tick or anything "strange" in someone's hair / scalp. I never do though. This is again my mind. I also have often thoughts / feelings that I am going to dye young, or I am going to be unable to bear children, or thoughts of what if I just stepped on the gas and crashed my car into or off of whatever is in front of me....I also recently have a lot of thoughts about having a seizure, I don't know why, but I just think, "what if that happened right now"- Maybe it's a fear in me.......

Once a Week

I am going to attempt to blog once a week.

I have a new way of accomplishing things. I have a little notebook on me at ALL times that I write anything down that I need/want to do in and it is been very effective soo far.

Being more accomplished in life makes me a happier person. It rids me of some anxiety and stress and so far I have been overall a much happier person, less irritable, and more Free and OF COURSE MORE ACCOMPLISHED, as well as motivated in both my work and my personal life.

Yesterday, I finally went indoor rock climbing for the first time in my life. This has been something I've wanted to do forever and I finally did it. I think this is something I could REALLY get into. Over the summer and into the Fall some friends and I did some crazy off trail hiking at one of our local parks and I really discovered a passion for it. I LOVE how it can be a mental AND physical workout. You strategize and have to plan your every move and be very aware of your body and it's such a rush when you've "reached the top". I really enjoy physical activity and being outside, it's really a shame that I sit a desk in front of a computer all day.

Matt, my fiance really enjoyed rock climbing as well, and I've already began to daydream about us becoming real rock climbers and participating in trips to the Andirondacks and different mountains all over the world. Sometimes I just crave the life of a wanderer.... but I guess that can be a lonely life. I am 26 and I really think I STILL don't really know what I want from life. I can't say I am unhappy with my life so far. I would consider myself somewhat average. I feel I have accomplished more than a lot of people my age ... I've definately am happy with a lot of the experiences I've had and places I have seen. There just never seems to be enough hours in the day to do everything I would like to do. I've always wanted to start my own business, but I guess EVERYONE has dreams of that. It's just about making it happen, having that ambition to take hold of the reigns and just GO FOR IT! Sometimes I am too much of a slacker for that though and other times I have that REAL Go-getter attitude. Maybe someday I will get some real ambition and motivation and do something incredible!........and then again maybe I wont. Who knows?

Maybe I am too much of a scatter brain to know what I want and go for it. I feel like I am interested in so many things and want to experience such a variety of things, but sometimes that can be overwhelming and I just end up sitting around thinking about all the things I want to do but never get around to doing them......I think that is part of the reason my list making is soo effective, but there are still things on the list that I procrastinate on. I also notice that for some reason when I am home alone by myself I tend to be more productive than if someone else were in my house and it's not because I am keeping them company; I spend most of my time away in my room, it's like my little home within my house. Ohhh, how I can't wait to have my own HOUSE!!! - That process is driving us a little nutty. I try to not let it stress me out, I kind of have to. Matt gets pretty stressed out about it and I have to be the one to keep him sane, calm him down. If we are both stressing than that is just miserable for us both.....

We found a house we both loved and my parents really liked it as well. We put a nice bid in on it, but someone else had already bid on it. Our bids are supposedly really close and the current people that are in contract or whatever it is with the seller are still iffy.... I really feel like that house SHOULD be OURS!!! House hunting starts out fun, but gets OLD really fast! I am really ready for it to be over and to live with my lovey!!! We are so much happier together than we are being apart most of the time.