Here I am...

Lately, I have been saying to myself, " I NEED TO WRITE"......



There is always an element of surprise when someone says they really like me, and look up to me.. Is that messed up?  I guess it's a self -esteem issue, or it's just a truly knowing yourself thing.. When people say they look up to me, I know that I am far, far, far, from perfect, and that there are reasons they should NOT look up to me.  And for some reason when people say they really like me, it's just like well that's the nicest thing you can say to me, do you really mean it?  haha... I have stated this before, but I tend to assume that people DON'T really like me.  I feel like there have been many instances in my life when people have claimed to really enjoy my company, but then their actions have shown me the complete opposite -- which is just a total mind-eff! :)

Sometimes, I feel like I can be cold, definitely introverted, boring....serious... insecure....and completely awkward.  Other times, I am warm and inviting, fun-loving, and outgoing.  Sounds a bit bi-polar, but it's true.  It's a playing off of people's energy thing too.  Some people truly bring out your best, make you feel good, medicate your soul -- bring you to life.... On the other hand,let's face it, we all have bad days, when we aren't our best selves and that's perfectly ok.  I mean there are times when every day life feels like a struggle for me.  On these days I like to hit the beach lately, otherwise, I literally have to remind myself to relax, take deep breaths, and enjoy the moment.  Life has changed me, and I guess that is part of growing up, but I occasionally think to myself , "what is it like to live an anxiety-free life?" Being carefree and vibrant, full of life, is something I sorely miss.

IS IT JUST GROWING UP? Is it?


Signing off-
Befuddled and Bewildered

Bits & Pieces of Me

Again, I will be honest, I am forcing myself to sit here and type away.  I get these little inklings to write time to time, but then the moment seems to pass fairly quickly.  I feel like I have been super busy lately too.  I am still in this transition period, with my new work/life situation.  I don't feel completely settled into my new life yet, I haven't found my groove.  I am just beginning to feel myself settling into what is now life -- but it's still going to take a bit of time.  I have been working out much more consistently, spending more time outdoors, and being relieved of some added stresses.  It feels good, it helps me to relax and breathe and let go a bit.  When I am stressed, I am tense, on edge, consumed -- it is hard for me to relax - more than I already seem to struggle with this pleasure.  I sometimes feel like I need to really focus on relaxing to actually relax.  How ass-backward does that sound?  It might be slightly nutty.  It's just sometimes hard to turn off my brain, sometimes I feel like I always have some sort of dialogue running up there.  Sometimes its very elaborate, other times quite simple, it can also be effed up, or completely childish-- it's broad spectrum.  It can be exhausting, and sometimes makes it hard for me to focus on things I am not really interested in... I guess this is why I like writing, or actually get the urge to write, because it's a way to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper, or in this case screen, right?  It's good to see thoughts written out.  Although, I have to say that I think some of my best work has never been written down :)  -- there really could be some truth to that though.  I often start a post in my head, get super excited about it, and then once I start to post, it just totally deflates.....:p

I am currently re-watching Californication on Netflix.  I really like the characters on this show.  Hank Moody and Karen, Runkel and Marci.  They are all so great in their own unique ways.  Prior to this, I was rewatching Weeds for the third time.  I am really sounding cool over here, huh?  I thoroughly enjoy that show, and Nancy Botwin is my girl.  I do this thing now, where I say to myself, "how can I Nancy Botwin the situation", essentially, "what would Nancy Botwin do?"  -- it entertains me, makes me feel a tad bad-ass, and like I can conquer all.

I am not even sure what I am sharing here, I guess it's a little insight into who I am.  How my mind works.  I hope you find it interesting, as we are all different, and we are all a bit similar too.  Celebrate your differences with others, let differences teach you something, expand your horizons, open your mind, learn to understand.  I think too many times, people want to find conflict in differences, and while this is ok, sometimes it's just unnecessary.  And it's good to remind yourself, to reflect, and to accept people for who they are.  I am starting to sound preachy, and it's really getting late.  My husband and I would say "I am staying up for no reason."  So goodnight from me to you! xo

FeBRUary

This morning I was practically blogging in my head on the way to work, I was frustrated and hating everyone and then I got to work and became motivated and happy, and rarin to go.... I don't know what overcame me, but whatever it is, I AM GLAD..... ALL week I've been this sort of bummy irritable lazy person, not wanting to really doing anything, or see anyone, and so on.... Today I am back on track and feel more like my better self. THANK GOODNESS!! I have tons of things to do because I must begin moving into my new home this upcoming Wednesday!!! YAY!!! I finally got my holiday bonus from work today, and I want to share that about 47% of it went to taxes... Isn't that just friggen WONDERFUL?!! What THE Eff?! I really still can't believe that, I am over it now, but I was pretty upset and (earlier I used the word) flabbergasted by this. It just doesn't seem right.

I was feeling pretty old this week, being so tired and not wanting to hang out with people. I , ME, wanted to go to bed early..HA! We are expecting a snow storm, starting tonight into tomorrow and I am excited to get snowed in. I was talking to a friend about this and she said the same thing, but our ideas of being "snowed in" were totally different. I enjoy being snowed in at my own home so I can get things accomplished around the house, but she was excited to be snowed in somewhere with no parents and tons of friends and booze! hahahahah WoW, I am a dorky old soul right therrrr! Oh well, I like housework, and cooking, and painting, and organizing, and then, and then, and then!!!! I'm not a total old fart and party pooper, don't get me wrong, I enjoy boozin here and there, and playing games, and getting a little rowdy, but I need to be productive, I don't like to feel like I am wasting time. It's an issue I have sometimes, I don't always know how to relax. I think I make other people nervous with this characteristic sometimes. I know Matt feels it sometimes, when he wants to lay in bed and be a bum all day and he can feel me getting nervous and twitchy and wanting to leave to go get SOMETHING done. I get anxiety if I am not doing something productive sometimes. I just always feel like I have SOO much to do. It's not like it's all in my head either. I have lists of things that I want to and need to do. They are actual REAL things. I don't understand how some people have so much time to just play around, hang out, party! Do they have NO responsibilities, or maybe just No SENSE of responsibility??? I don't know. I know people who barely spend any time at home, HOW??? Don't you at least have mail to go through? Or bills to pay? A room to clean? Laundry to do? I dunno. Maybe its a freedom thing. They could maybe do that stuff into the weee hours of the night or morning, where if I were to do that my parents would be like GO TO BED, what are you doing?? Like they have before, when I get my midnight bursts of motivation.

I've really become a blogger hahaha... I kind of can't believe it. I never thought it would happen. I was always afraid to put my thoughts out there into the web universe, but as I've mentioned before there's probably not many people who read my rambles and rants.

Unfortunately, I think I have to end this here. The market is about to close, I have things to do and I need to get out of here early. I will write again soon.