Here I am...

Lately, I have been saying to myself, " I NEED TO WRITE"......



There is always an element of surprise when someone says they really like me, and look up to me.. Is that messed up?  I guess it's a self -esteem issue, or it's just a truly knowing yourself thing.. When people say they look up to me, I know that I am far, far, far, from perfect, and that there are reasons they should NOT look up to me.  And for some reason when people say they really like me, it's just like well that's the nicest thing you can say to me, do you really mean it?  haha... I have stated this before, but I tend to assume that people DON'T really like me.  I feel like there have been many instances in my life when people have claimed to really enjoy my company, but then their actions have shown me the complete opposite -- which is just a total mind-eff! :)

Sometimes, I feel like I can be cold, definitely introverted, boring....serious... insecure....and completely awkward.  Other times, I am warm and inviting, fun-loving, and outgoing.  Sounds a bit bi-polar, but it's true.  It's a playing off of people's energy thing too.  Some people truly bring out your best, make you feel good, medicate your soul -- bring you to life.... On the other hand,let's face it, we all have bad days, when we aren't our best selves and that's perfectly ok.  I mean there are times when every day life feels like a struggle for me.  On these days I like to hit the beach lately, otherwise, I literally have to remind myself to relax, take deep breaths, and enjoy the moment.  Life has changed me, and I guess that is part of growing up, but I occasionally think to myself , "what is it like to live an anxiety-free life?" Being carefree and vibrant, full of life, is something I sorely miss.

IS IT JUST GROWING UP? Is it?


Signing off-
Befuddled and Bewildered