Under the Microscope.

A flaw of mine is that I constantly feel judged.  I frequently feel like I am under someone's microscope.  Part of me knows it's because of the way I was brought up.  I feel like both my parents were always observing everything I did, and criticizing, micromanaging, questioning, and probably even sometimes scolding me... I think my mom always felt this way with my Dad as well, so I picked up the attitude from her...It can make you very defensive, tense, and distant when you feel this way. It sometimes prohibits me from doing things, and plays into my procrastination habits -- "I will just do it when no one is around to say anything"...I think it also makes me seek approval, or as my husband and I joke, "a pat on the back"...

ANOTHER reason I feel this way is because people totally DO judge...I am constantly listening to people jump to conclusions about others based on the slightest interactions.  I know we all do it, and some are just more vocal about it than others.  And many have these judgmental thoughts and then immediately throw them away, while others hold onto them and look at you funny forever in time.

I am not sure if people just feel like they can confide in me easily, or if they can tell I am not going to judge them for their judgments, or if they just think I am right by their side making these same judgments. Perhaps, it's even just normal behavior for them regardless of their company. But I do feel like people open up to me, and tell me things about others that sometimes I am taken aback by. The thing is: I really try not to judge you, and I can relate to the things people say, because I am human, and I understand that emotions sometimes get in the way of our minds. It just makes me uncomfortable knowing that someone out there could be/ and probably is judging me somewhere...But why?

Most of the time I can talk myself through it, and say, "who cares?"  Someone is always going to have something to say.... and now, more than ever that is the case.  Because this is the age of sharing, we all share our lives away via social media, and live for likes, and the comments that come with it.  But sometimes for me, it's a bit scary, thinking about the people out there who aren't going to like what I'm putting out there, or think I am totally ridiculous, and as much as I tell myself I don't care - there will always be this part of me that....worries about the judgments being made by others out there.  I can picture people laughing together at me as they read or look at my posts - or just thinking "this girl is so annoying", or the classic "we don't care about your baby."


I googled the definition of humanity and according to Merriam-Webster online:

 It's kind of ironic that the definition is BOTH "all people" and "the quality or state of being kind to other people..."   I'm just saying I don't find it to be true that all people are kind.  And this is something I need to accept, because it is a reality, and there is no way I can please everyone or make everyone like me.  OR furthermore, make people be nice to each other... Emotions are powerful.

 Ya know, sometimes you wish you knew what people said behind your back, don't you?.....But at the same time it's kind of terrifying.  Every time I think I want to know what someone has said behind my back, I think twice, and change my mind.  It's going to sting, and it's going to stick to my brain and haunt me until I learn to let it go... but depending on what it is, how long could that take? I am not sure if I want to handle that blow.  Is that a bad thing?  I'm not sure.  There are some fears I am willing to face......and others.......well, let's say I haven't faced them yet.

I am proud of myself for already hitting my quota for the month....It doesn't hurt that I can see people are actually coming here to read.  Thanks for egging me on guys!  XO