I am feeling very BLAH today...I've definately fell off my horse and become a bit unorganized and un-motivated. This week I have started to try to get BACK ON... It's bad when you overdraft your checking account, forget to pay bills, and everything is just a mess...I've been Slacking!!!
I feel so overwhelmed with life right now... and I probably shouldnt be blogging, but I dont know what else to do....I need some kind of therapy right now. I have this constant feeling of anxiety today and I don't know why. I just feel like there is soo much to do in my life right now and soo much I WANT to do -it's just soo overwhelming, it makes me want to cry. If this post comes out a bit choppy, it's because I am trying to be productive at work as I write this...I'm hoping a little productivity will help me feel better.
I have such a problem staying focused on one thing.... My mind is all over the place and I think that really hurts my productivity. I am too easily distracted and just want to explore EVERYTHING. I can't stay focused on one thing long enough to master it. I think if I spent more time on my "hobbies" I would find something that I could stay focused on... When I am painting, cooking, writing, or even researching music - I tend to feel at ease and can stay focused.
I also just have a lot going on right now..First house, first time being on my own... I work in the city and have long days away from my abode. I need to get back on my list making, calendar keeping, one thing at a time regimine. It was working so well for me at the beginning of the year. Blogging more often again may help too.
I also met with a few random girls this weekend to brainstorm some ideas for businesses and just taking time to express our creativity. I am very enthusiastic about it, and hope something comes out of it. I think it really could. Everyone that was there had something different to bring to the table and I think starting a business with a group like that could really work, because then each person can focus on different aspects. We also plan to like go out and do things together, and just get together once a month and brainstorm and create art and expand each others minds....
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I am me
I am happy to feel myself again.......
I have been on this new birth control the past couple of months and recently realized it was making me just about certifiably crazy. I felt bipolar, Manic one minute and depressed the next. One week I just about cried every day at work and I really just wasn't myself. It was a horrible feeling. I have stopped taking the pill which was Cryselle, generic brand of LoOvrall, just so if anybody reading would like to know. I feel soo much better now, It's great! I am glad I realized that it was the pill. I did a little research and called my gyno and she switched my prescription. I am afraid to start a new pill now though. I don't ever want to feel like that again. It was horrible. This pill caused so many horrible side effects from the manic depressant behavior to weight gain and FUPA addage to lowered sex drive, and overall energy and motivation to do anything. I was miserable and now that I am off it I feel like myself again and it is good to be ME once more. Ahhhh!!! I must warn any women out there that when you do go off of it, you will get your period and you may feel the worst period side effects you have felt, but it is well worth it. I took the first period day off of work, bc I was just about leaking blood and the cramps were pretty bad, as well as the lack of energy - but I just sat home and relaxed and watched movies. It was nice to do, because I never get to do that and after the first day the effects subsided. I just wanted to put my story out there.... It's good to be me!! :)
Here's another cheesy poem:
Sometimes the words just flow
And sometimes I just don't know
But when all is said and done
You are the ONLY one
You are constantly there
Showing me that you care
Even when we fight
I can always see the light
Our love is neverending
I can se it continuously extending
Let's hope it never fades
Into some sort of facade
Because without you I am less
But together we are best
I have been on this new birth control the past couple of months and recently realized it was making me just about certifiably crazy. I felt bipolar, Manic one minute and depressed the next. One week I just about cried every day at work and I really just wasn't myself. It was a horrible feeling. I have stopped taking the pill which was Cryselle, generic brand of LoOvrall, just so if anybody reading would like to know. I feel soo much better now, It's great! I am glad I realized that it was the pill. I did a little research and called my gyno and she switched my prescription. I am afraid to start a new pill now though. I don't ever want to feel like that again. It was horrible. This pill caused so many horrible side effects from the manic depressant behavior to weight gain and FUPA addage to lowered sex drive, and overall energy and motivation to do anything. I was miserable and now that I am off it I feel like myself again and it is good to be ME once more. Ahhhh!!! I must warn any women out there that when you do go off of it, you will get your period and you may feel the worst period side effects you have felt, but it is well worth it. I took the first period day off of work, bc I was just about leaking blood and the cramps were pretty bad, as well as the lack of energy - but I just sat home and relaxed and watched movies. It was nice to do, because I never get to do that and after the first day the effects subsided. I just wanted to put my story out there.... It's good to be me!! :)
Here's another cheesy poem:
Sometimes the words just flow
And sometimes I just don't know
But when all is said and done
You are the ONLY one
You are constantly there
Showing me that you care
Even when we fight
I can always see the light
Our love is neverending
I can se it continuously extending
Let's hope it never fades
Into some sort of facade
Because without you I am less
But together we are best
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Words-a-flowing
It has been quite a while since I last posted...I just had the urge to write pen to paper and the words just started to flow out of me. I don't know what else to do with them, but share them on here:
Sing a song today for those you love.
Be free with all your being
Never let others supress you.
Let your thoughts flow and feelings be heard.
Take life by the hand with a smile and a light heart.
Embrace all it has to offer and you will lead a happier healthier life.
Love the life you live.
Never envy another's.
Do what you want and not what you're told.
Go with the flow to achieve peace and harmony.
The ying and yang, the feng and the shui.
It's all about being at ease and never getting bent out of shape.
Live the life you want.
Love the ones you're with.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Technology
Yesterday, I was forced to take the ferry home from NYC to NJ.......and as I sat there with my cocktail in my hand, taking part in one of my favorite things to do, PEOPLE WATCHING, I noticed that the art of random conversation is dying. This was a perfect environment for people to have random conversations with strangers, which is such a great, fun thing to do - BUT INSTEAD, everyone was on their computers, Blackberries, ipods, Kindles, Nooks, cell phones, etc. etc. and I was just soo disappointed. The most interesting thing I had to watch was a woman and two children. They were the only ones having interesting interaction, conversation, and FUN!!
Monday, March 29, 2010
The Randomness that is Me
so, I've fell a bit behind.....So here I am now posting just to post. I always seem MOST inspired when I am no where near a computer... Life is kind of crazy right now, because we are just soo busy with the house and sometimes I am just SOOO overwhelmed with everything there is to do. I just have soo many ideas, and so much going on in my head that I sometimes start something new in the middle of doing something. It is just sort of insane and I am glad that Matt and I are understanding of the fact that our attitudes right now don't really mean a thing. We both get stressed and feel insane at times. Things are coming along though, but there is still a ton more to do.
It's kind of sad that I still get anxiety and sometimes get what I like to call "phantom anxiety" - which is getting the feeling of anxiety for no reason. I just think my body is used to having anxiety all the time, growing up in an "anxiety house". I have to literally take a moment sometimes and tell myself to calm down and breathe and there is nothing to be worrying about. Life is good, and there's no rush, there's soo much time, and no one is pressuring you....I think that eventually my anxiety and stress levels will subside. I've gained some weight due to lack of exercise and eating a lot of crap when we FIRST moved in. I'm hoping this will reverse soon. I feel like CRAP about myself most of the time and can't believe that I have let myself go. I spontaneously joined LA Fitness recently, but don't have much time to go workout. I feel guilty doing anything, but what needs to be done around the house. I think i am going to try to get to the gym this week though... I CAN'T let myself go any further - it hurts!! It's soo much harder to take off than to put on too...Matt, on the other hand is LOSING weight, which makes it even more depressing for me!! hahaha... I think the more we get into a normal lifestyle, eating habits, sleeping habits... I will get thin!! I HOPE!!! Maybe I should turn this into a food blog... or not....
Work has been busier which keeps me happy... I've gotten to help on a marketing project, which excites me... I'd like to get more and more involved with that side of things.. I do find myself anxious to get home to get work done. Sometimes I wish I would have taken off more time from work when we first moved in to get things done around the house. There are NEVER enough hours in the day and time just seems to fly when I am working around the house.
I finally used a gift card I recieved from one of my bosses for the Apple Store and purchased the ipod classic. I LOVE music and this thing will be able to hold ALL of it and I LOVE IT... My music collection is kind of random. You never know what is going to pop out, from oldies to classic rock to rap to reggae to techno to dance to punk rock to Indy - I got it!!! And I love it!! I am proud of my collection of music...Sometimes a song will pop out that I may be shortly embarassed by, but that's just ME!! I'm eclectic!!
I went to the Atlantic City Beer Festival last weekend, and it was good to get away for a day. We went to see Alice In Wonderland in IMAX 3D during the day before beer fest. I reccommend you see that movie. It was visually amazing and just a really cool movie. Johnny Depp was pretty amazing, and all the characters were interesting. Tim Burton is just genius! I love a lot of his stuff. I'd like to take a look into his brain. The Beer Festival was fun, but not as fun as last year for me...The set up was different and didnt work as well as last years. I was somewhat disappointed. I wasn't even really druink when left there - BOO!!!
Have you ever had a friend that you would consider a "high maintenance friend" and it's not because they take forever to get ready or need to buy the latest fashion trends. I'm talking about when you go out with them it's almost like a JOB. It seems like they need all your attention on top of everyone elses and it's all about THEM. It's like they want to compete for attention and Iiiiiiii JUST DONT DO THAT. I like to go out and have a good time, goof around, act like an idiot but I don't really care who is paying attention or not... It's all about just chilling and having fun with each other. I don't know if I'm conveying my point well, but it's something that bothers me - Attention Whores. I can't have a good time with you, if I feel like you're trying to have a competition. UGH.... anyways NEXT!!!!
I'm not sure I can think of a topic to move onto next, so I'm going to end this endless ramble here... and feel great in the fact that I have officially UPDATED... haha.. ok back to work!!!! eeeek!
Till next time my friends.....CIAO!
It's kind of sad that I still get anxiety and sometimes get what I like to call "phantom anxiety" - which is getting the feeling of anxiety for no reason. I just think my body is used to having anxiety all the time, growing up in an "anxiety house". I have to literally take a moment sometimes and tell myself to calm down and breathe and there is nothing to be worrying about. Life is good, and there's no rush, there's soo much time, and no one is pressuring you....I think that eventually my anxiety and stress levels will subside. I've gained some weight due to lack of exercise and eating a lot of crap when we FIRST moved in. I'm hoping this will reverse soon. I feel like CRAP about myself most of the time and can't believe that I have let myself go. I spontaneously joined LA Fitness recently, but don't have much time to go workout. I feel guilty doing anything, but what needs to be done around the house. I think i am going to try to get to the gym this week though... I CAN'T let myself go any further - it hurts!! It's soo much harder to take off than to put on too...Matt, on the other hand is LOSING weight, which makes it even more depressing for me!! hahaha... I think the more we get into a normal lifestyle, eating habits, sleeping habits... I will get thin!! I HOPE!!! Maybe I should turn this into a food blog... or not....
Work has been busier which keeps me happy... I've gotten to help on a marketing project, which excites me... I'd like to get more and more involved with that side of things.. I do find myself anxious to get home to get work done. Sometimes I wish I would have taken off more time from work when we first moved in to get things done around the house. There are NEVER enough hours in the day and time just seems to fly when I am working around the house.
I finally used a gift card I recieved from one of my bosses for the Apple Store and purchased the ipod classic. I LOVE music and this thing will be able to hold ALL of it and I LOVE IT... My music collection is kind of random. You never know what is going to pop out, from oldies to classic rock to rap to reggae to techno to dance to punk rock to Indy - I got it!!! And I love it!! I am proud of my collection of music...Sometimes a song will pop out that I may be shortly embarassed by, but that's just ME!! I'm eclectic!!
I went to the Atlantic City Beer Festival last weekend, and it was good to get away for a day. We went to see Alice In Wonderland in IMAX 3D during the day before beer fest. I reccommend you see that movie. It was visually amazing and just a really cool movie. Johnny Depp was pretty amazing, and all the characters were interesting. Tim Burton is just genius! I love a lot of his stuff. I'd like to take a look into his brain. The Beer Festival was fun, but not as fun as last year for me...The set up was different and didnt work as well as last years. I was somewhat disappointed. I wasn't even really druink when left there - BOO!!!
Have you ever had a friend that you would consider a "high maintenance friend" and it's not because they take forever to get ready or need to buy the latest fashion trends. I'm talking about when you go out with them it's almost like a JOB. It seems like they need all your attention on top of everyone elses and it's all about THEM. It's like they want to compete for attention and Iiiiiiii JUST DONT DO THAT. I like to go out and have a good time, goof around, act like an idiot but I don't really care who is paying attention or not... It's all about just chilling and having fun with each other. I don't know if I'm conveying my point well, but it's something that bothers me - Attention Whores. I can't have a good time with you, if I feel like you're trying to have a competition. UGH.... anyways NEXT!!!!
I'm not sure I can think of a topic to move onto next, so I'm going to end this endless ramble here... and feel great in the fact that I have officially UPDATED... haha.. ok back to work!!!! eeeek!
Till next time my friends.....CIAO!
Friday, March 12, 2010
Putting it out there...
Today I feel like doing a different kind of post. Here are some things that I don't always want to say aloud:
Sometimes I like to cry.
I'm not sure if I want to have babies...
I am sometimes embarassed to eat in front of you.
I don't like asking for help.
I want more tattoos.
I sometimes REALLY enjoy being ALONE.
I am kind of scared of the dark.
Sometimes I'm insecure.
If I could, I'd be a wanderer.
I enjoy the smell of my own feet.
I cry like a little bitch when Im REALLY EFFIN MAD.
I dont always take criticism well.
I have SLIGHT OCD.
Sometimes I overreact and am too awkward to apologize.
Sometimes I'm JUST awkward.
I like cole slaw.
I think men should be gentlemanly.
I get upset when things don't go the way I expected.
I get phantom anxiety.
I argue with MYSELF over things.
I don't always say what I want to say.
I LOVE to stare and people watch.
I am VERY Nosey!
I'll google just about ANYTHING.
I eavesdrop on people's conversations.
I'm somewhat of a people pleaser.
I can be easily irritated.
I enjoy arts and crafts.
I can be old fashioned.
I check out women.....
Let's end it on that note. I'll return with another post soon...
Sometimes I like to cry.
I'm not sure if I want to have babies...
I am sometimes embarassed to eat in front of you.
I don't like asking for help.
I want more tattoos.
I sometimes REALLY enjoy being ALONE.
I am kind of scared of the dark.
Sometimes I'm insecure.
If I could, I'd be a wanderer.
I enjoy the smell of my own feet.
I cry like a little bitch when Im REALLY EFFIN MAD.
I dont always take criticism well.
I have SLIGHT OCD.
Sometimes I overreact and am too awkward to apologize.
Sometimes I'm JUST awkward.
I like cole slaw.
I think men should be gentlemanly.
I get upset when things don't go the way I expected.
I get phantom anxiety.
I argue with MYSELF over things.
I don't always say what I want to say.
I LOVE to stare and people watch.
I am VERY Nosey!
I'll google just about ANYTHING.
I eavesdrop on people's conversations.
I'm somewhat of a people pleaser.
I can be easily irritated.
I enjoy arts and crafts.
I can be old fashioned.
I check out women.....
Let's end it on that note. I'll return with another post soon...
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Frustration
I find myself getting more and more frustrated with my job. I am completely bored with what I do. It's almost brainless and somewhat useless at some points.....And i have a brain that wants to go go go!! I really just dont think the people around me see my potential. They don't realize I am an intellect and I just feel STUCK.... I want to MOVE out of this position into something where I feel like I can actually MAKE some sort of IMPACT.... I LOVE TO LEARN and be challenged and I am just NOT feeling that way...
We hired a new marketing guy and I tried to show him that I was interested in what he does... Striking up convo, asking about marketing techniques and just picking his brain - Today they interviewed someone to intern for him... DOUBLE YOU, TEEEE, EFFF!!!! I am so bad at being demanding and asking for things... I dont know what to do anymore. My mind is all over the place with the new house and this new found frustration for my job. I NEED TO MOVE FORWARD!!! Sometimes I feel like I have moved backward in fact... It's sad and sometimes I want to cry, but I guess it's my own fault. I always thought someone would take me under their wing and teach me, and I've had false promises made to me about becoming "more involved" and then I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENS??????? It just DOESNT HAPPEN!!! Maybe someone just thinks I AM A COMPLETE IDIOT!!!! I really dont know..... I've tried to prove myself and be a helpful and willing person... Open to whatever, but something needs to GIVE! I need SOMETHING! And to be frank, I'm not even sure what it is I need.... I feel so lost sometimes.
Maybe I need to open my mouth. I have a problem with that. I always had..... I don't know why. I think it may be an independence thing, like ILL FIGURE IT OUT! Somehow Ill make it work... I dont know... I really NEED to do something!! I find myself becoming miserable here and I once was soo happy... I REALLY WANTED to move in the direction of this marketing guy, but he probably thinks I am incompetent because that seems to be his attitude. I really just don't know... Right now I have no time to work on this, but maybe I do, maybe I'm just a slacker lacking motivation..... UGH LIFE!!!
On the other hand, I am beyond happy with our new home, and Matt and I find ourselves wanting to be HOME all the time... We're afraid of becoming Hermits... But we've been getting out... Ok im out!
Till we meet again -
We hired a new marketing guy and I tried to show him that I was interested in what he does... Striking up convo, asking about marketing techniques and just picking his brain - Today they interviewed someone to intern for him... DOUBLE YOU, TEEEE, EFFF!!!! I am so bad at being demanding and asking for things... I dont know what to do anymore. My mind is all over the place with the new house and this new found frustration for my job. I NEED TO MOVE FORWARD!!! Sometimes I feel like I have moved backward in fact... It's sad and sometimes I want to cry, but I guess it's my own fault. I always thought someone would take me under their wing and teach me, and I've had false promises made to me about becoming "more involved" and then I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENS??????? It just DOESNT HAPPEN!!! Maybe someone just thinks I AM A COMPLETE IDIOT!!!! I really dont know..... I've tried to prove myself and be a helpful and willing person... Open to whatever, but something needs to GIVE! I need SOMETHING! And to be frank, I'm not even sure what it is I need.... I feel so lost sometimes.
Maybe I need to open my mouth. I have a problem with that. I always had..... I don't know why. I think it may be an independence thing, like ILL FIGURE IT OUT! Somehow Ill make it work... I dont know... I really NEED to do something!! I find myself becoming miserable here and I once was soo happy... I REALLY WANTED to move in the direction of this marketing guy, but he probably thinks I am incompetent because that seems to be his attitude. I really just don't know... Right now I have no time to work on this, but maybe I do, maybe I'm just a slacker lacking motivation..... UGH LIFE!!!
On the other hand, I am beyond happy with our new home, and Matt and I find ourselves wanting to be HOME all the time... We're afraid of becoming Hermits... But we've been getting out... Ok im out!
Till we meet again -
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